Tak tahu nk update apa.

 

Nah amik ni , hahahaaaaaa.

Aku nk tidoooo , bye sayanggg <3

Hai .

Abaikan tajuk , haha  . Assalamualaikum , semalam aku jumpa budak ni[Kanan] dekat kampung aku , lawa wehhhhhhhhhhhhh . Aku mintak no fon tk dpt wooo :'(  sebab dia dh ad pakwe. heh , cantik kan dy ? kalau lah jadi awek aku . fuyohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .

pastu aku jumpa budak ni plak , heheh , no dia aku dpt  . weeeeeeeeeeeee , sukanya. aku rs mcm nk menari --' . aku nk je couple dgn dy ni , tp malu . wahahah :) cantik kan dia? semua cantik.
Hai awk, bila nk couple? heheheh . maluuuuuuuuuu , weee ;)
ngantuk lahhhhhhhh , esok smbung lah , penat tadi gi mandi dekat Ulu Bendul , yeahhh :)


kbai , Assalamualaikum.

lawak suami isteri: alasan yang paling bernas

Suatu hari di Mahkamah, sepasang suami isteri sedang bergaduh mengenai kes penceraian mereka. Seperti biasa, tak lain dan tak bukan ialah kes penjagaan anak mereka. Mereka berdua mahu dapatkan hak penjagaan anak dan terjadinya perbincangan siapa yang lagi layak.

Masalah penjagaan anak ialah satu kes yang sangat rumit dan yang menang sahaja yang dapat duit di mahkamah itu.

Si Isteri memberi alasan kenapa beliau layak mendapat hak penjagaan anak itu.

” Yang berhormat, saya sangat layak kerana sebagai ibu saya telah mengandung dan melahirkan mereka. Saya lebih banyak berkorban kepada mereka. Saya layak menjaga mereka”.

Selepas itu, tuan hakim memberi peluang pula kepada Si Suami untuk memberi alasan beliau untuk mendapat hak penjagaan mereka.

Si suami terdiam sebentar sambil berfikir alasannya untuk membalas kenyataan si isteri. Selepas 5 minit terdiam, si suami perlahan bangun dan berkata kepada tuan hakim.

“Tuan Hakim, saya cuma ada satu soalan. Kalau saya ingin membeli air pepsi dari Mesin Penjual (Vending Machine), saya cume perlu masukkan duit dan air pepsi itu pun akan keluar..

Hmm persoalannya ialah adakah air pepsi tersebut milik saya atau mesin itu?”

Tuan Hakim berehat sebentar kerana penat memikirkan kenyataan tersebut.

cerita lawak: kisah suami isteri (cerita sedih)

Seorang lelaki sedang melintas jalan bersama isterinya pada suatu petang. Nasib malang menyebabkan dia kemalangan. Isterinya selamat tetapi si suami mengalami impak dikepalanya menyebabkan dia koma selama beberapa hari. Akhirnya si suami telah terjaga dari komanya.

Bila dia membuka matanya, dia dapati isterinya sedang bersedih disisinya. Si suami pun memegang tangan isterinya sambil berkata dengan suara penuh kesayuan; " Ayang sentiasa disisi abang tak kira masa. Masa abang tengah belajar di U dulu pun, abang sering gagal, dan ayang sentiasa berada di sisi memberi dorongan supaya abang terus mencuba..."

Si isteri menjadi sayu. Si suami menambah " Masa abang tengah cari kerja dulu pun, abang gagal nak dapatkan sebarang jawatan dalam iklan, ayang masih di sisi, tanpa jemu. Siap tolong carikan dalam paper lagi jawatan kosong untuk abang..."

Air mata si isteri bergenang. Disekanya air mata dengan hujung baju. "Bila abang dah dapat kerja, abang kerja sunguh-sungguh untuk kita. Tapi bertahun-tahun tiada kenaikan gaji dan pangkat. Hinggalah sekarang .... ayang masih di sisi abang.

"Dan baru ni abang dah terlepas kontrak RM5j hanya kerana silap yang kecil, abang dipecat dengan notis 24 jam, ...ayang masih disisi.

Mata si suami pula bergenang, "Dan.. sekarang abang terlantar disini. Bila abang sedar ayang masih juga disisi." Esakkan si isteri bertambah kuat...

Si suami berkata lagi, "Abang rasa ayang ni bawak sial la .... BERAMBUS KAU SEKARANG!!

lawak lucah: pengalaman malam pertama

Seorang ibu duduk di meja makan bersama 3 org anak perempuannya yang baru berkahwin semalam dan telah menjalani mlm pertama mereka. Ibunya bertanya kepada mereka :

Ibu: Semalam mak dengar kau ketawa dlm bilik, kenapa?

Anak Sulung: Kan mak pesan, kalau suka, kena ketawa.

Ibu: Kau pulak mak dengar menangis, kenapa?

Anak Kedua: Kan mak pesan, kalau sakit, nangis je.

Ibu: Yg kau pulak, mak tak dengar apa2 pun, knapa diam?

Anak Ketiga: Ishh, kan mak pesan, kalau mulut penuh, jgn cakap.

Kisah Isteri Yang Terlampau

Hadi sedang nazak dan hampir meninggaL..

Di sebelahnya Imah, isterinya sedang menemani Hadi..

Hadi : 'Imah.. sebelum aku mati nanti.. aku ingin berpesan padamu..'

Isteri : 'Iya, bang.. cakaplah..'

Hadi : 'Aku mau kau kahwin dengan Harun..'

'Isk abang nie.. kan Harun tu musuh ketat abang selama ini?! Apa abang rela menyerahkan saya kepadanya?' dengan terkejut isterinya bertanya.

'Aku ingin dia menderita seperti yang aku alami 30 tahun bersamamu..'

==============================================
MORAL: Bila berumahtangga, jangan jadikan pasangan anda menderita akibat perbuatan anda yang melampau.

cerita lawak: dengan penuh senyuman

Seorang pemimpin sebuah persatuan sedang memberi ucapan dihadapan sekumpulan ahlinya berkenaan kewajiban membayar yuran persatuan dengan rela hati...

"Adalah menjadi suatu penghormatan bagi kita jika dapat membayar yuran persatuan dengan penuh senyuman" kata pemimpin.

Tiba-tiba dari barisan belakang terdengar suara menjerit kegembiraan..

"Oh.. Syukur pada Tuhan.. mulanya saya sangka yang yuran mesti dibayar dengan wang..."

Hhahahahampeh !

lawak pendek

Profesor

Profesor Bakri adalah seorang profesor yang terkenal dengan kepintarannya... Dia terlalu tekun dengan ujikaji yang dilakukannya sehinggakan terlupa untuk makan minum, malah sudah dua hari tidak pulang ke rumah... lalu isterinya menelifon..

"Abang.. ingat ya, malam ini abang mesti pulang ke rumah untuk makan malam. Jaga kesihatan", pesan isterinya.

"Ya, baik.. abang janji.. agaknya dimana kita hendak makan malam nanti?" tanya professor itu.

"Di rumah saja lah bang..".

"Baik lah.. tapi dimana tu? Saya catat alamatnya dulu...".
================================================================
Ciuman

LISA: Berapa harga semeter kain ni?

PENJUAL: Harga 1meter cuma 1ciuman

LISA: Baiklah..bagi saya 10meter..

PENJUAL: (gembira)...ni dah siap sepuluh meter kain..bayarannya???

LISA: Jap,nenek saya akan bayarkan..(sambil menunjuk ke arah neneknya)
================================================================
muntah

Seorang gadis kecil merasa badannya lemah dan sakit ketika dia berada di pasaraya bersama ibunya.

"Mama," kata gadis kecil itu..
"Bolehkan kita balik sekarang?"

"Tidak," jawab ibunya.

"Ma, saya rasa hendak muntah!" kata gadis kecil itu.

"Keluarlah, pergi ke tandas di tingkat atas..."

Setelah kira-kira 20 saat, gadis kecil itu kembali ke tempat duduknya.

"Sudah selesai?" tanya ibunya.

"Ya."

"cepatnya?"

"Saya tidak pergi ke tingkat atas.. Ma," kata anaknya lalu menyambung..
"Kat tepi tu ada sebuah kotak derma... disitu tertulis "UNTUK ORANG YANG SAKIT’"
==================================================================
tersalah email

Seorang lelaki yang sedang bercuti menghantar email kepada isterinya tetapi alamat email telah salah ditaip lalu email tersebut melencong terus kepada seorang wanita yg baru kematian suaminya. Selepas membaca email tersebut wanita tersebut menjerit lalu pengsan....

Nak tau apa ditulisnya.....

"Isteriku sayang segalanya telah disiapkan untuk menunggu kedatanganmu esok...........Ah panas sekali di sini...."

Mat Negro

Al kisah, Seorang negro di Afrika sana sedang kehausan nak mati akibat tak de air kat padang pasir. Sedang die mencari air, terjumpe la die dengan jin padang pasir.
Jin tu cakap...

"Aku akan tunaikan tiga permintaan kau, oleh sebab kau dah nak KO, aku akan tunaikannye pada kehidupan lain engkau"

Negro tu pun cakap..."Pertama, aku nak jadi putih. Kedua, aku nak sentiasa kene air supaya sejuk dan tak dahaga. Ketiga, aku nak tengok punggung wanita tanpa mereka sedar"

Negro tu pun mati dengan tenang nye. Pada kehidupan lain, Negro tu jadi...............

....mangkuk tandas wanita...

Malawi leader refuses to step down as 18 die in protests

BLANTYRE - MALAWI President Bingu wa Mutharika refused on Thursday to step down after two days of riots left 18 dead, with soldiers deployed in the two main cities to quell protests that turned into looting.
The violence triggered international condemnation ranging from UN chief Ban Ki Moon, the United States and popstar Madonna, while Amnesty International accused security forces of shooting dead at least eight people.
Soldiers were deployed in townships around the capital Lilongwe and the commercial hub Blantyre, dispersing some 2,000 protesters who had taken to the streets accusing Mutharika of mismanaging the economy and trampling on democratic rights.
The 77-year-old president, who won a second term in office in May 2009, issued a defiant message.
'I will continue to govern the country,' Mutharika said on national radio. 'As mandated by the constitution, the authority to run government is in my hands and not any other person.'
'I am ready to meet the opposition and civil society,' he said, but then added the protests were 'not led by God, but by Satan who will be defeated'. -- AFP

41 killed in China bus fire

At least 41 people died on Friday when an overcrowded bus that was carrying hazardous goods caught fire in central China, state television reported. -- PHOTO: REUTERS

AT LEAST 41 people died on Friday when an overcrowded bus that was carrying hazardous goods caught fire in central China, state television reported.
The fire happened early on Friday morning on a highway in Henan province.
Five passengers and the driver were pulled out alive from the overnight bus - made up of 35 berths allowing passengers to sleep as they made their way to Hunan province further south, according to other media reports.
The double-decker bus was overcrowded, and also had dangerous goods on board, CCTV said, although it did not provide further details.
Photos of the accident showed the bus had been completely destroyed by the blaze - the cause of which is still being investigated - leaving only a burnt-out shell.
A police officer told the official Xinhua news agency the fire raged for two hours, and completely destroyed victims' bodies. -- AFP

Nine dead in second Thai chopper crash: army

BANGKOK - THAI rescuers have found the bodies of all nine people on board a Thai army helicopter that went down earlier this week as it flew to the site of a previous crash, the military said on Friday.
The discovery of the wreckage of the Black Hawk chopper, just metres from the first crash site, brings the toll from the two accidents to 14 in a tragic episode that the outgoing premier said had a 'great impact' on morale.
The Black Hawk was found in dense forests just across the border in Myanmar on Friday morning, three days after it disappeared during a mission to recover the bodies of five soldiers killed in a helicopter accident on Saturday.
'I can confirm that all nine passengers died in the Black Hawk crash,' a spokesman for the central army region said.
Earlier on Friday, Lieutenant General Udomdej Sritabutr, army commander of central region, announced the second chopper had been found 200m north-west from the original crash location.
In Saturday's crash, a Huey helicopter went down in bad weather during a mission to airlift troops from the remote jungle area south-west of Bangkok. -- AFP

Australia GP future doubt as costs soar

SYDNEY - THE future of Australia's Formula One Grand Prix remains in doubt with this year's Melbourne race costing taxpayers AUS$50 million (S$65.5 million), the Victoria state government said on Friday.
Victoria Tourism Minister Louise Asher said the state government could only guarantee its support of the Australian GP until 2015 upon the expiry of its contract with the sport's supremo Bernie Ecclestone.
'This is a very, very large taxpayer subsidy about which I am not comfortable,' Ms Asher told reporters.
Ms Asher said the fee paid to Ecclestone by the Australian Grand Prix Corporation for the right to host the race, reportedly to be at least AUS$25 million, is one of the largest single financial demands on the event.
She said new Victorian Liberal government will begin negotiations on the GP's future in 2013 to 2014. 'In late 2013 cabinet will look at the event in total ... and the price of the contract will be a significant part of the negotiations,' she said.
Figures released on Friday revealed an almost nine-fold increase in the taxpayer contribution to the Grand Prix since 2001 under the contract negotiated by the previous state Labor government. -- AFP

Jailed 15 months for using counterfeit money

A JOBLESS man was jailed a year and three months on on July 22 for using a counterfeit $50 note to buy a can of beer from a Yishun provision shop.
Segar Ramiah, 37, had pleaded guilty in early July. Then, the district court heard that in August, 2010, his cousin, Narindran Sangara Banoi, who was also unemployed and in financial difficulties, told him he was using fake currency notes to pay for his expenses.
On Sept 2, 2010, Segar used one of the two bogus notes his cousin gave him to buy the beer at the Alpha's Trading Minimart near his home at 7.30pm. Shop proprietor Amina Rahmatullah, 49, only realised it was a fake three hours later. She called the police and Segar was subsequently arrested with the $47.80 of change still on him.
Narindran, 21, has also been dealt with. In February 2011, he was jailed eight years for counterfeiting and for passing off fake notes as genuine on 55 occasions. In all, he produced 101 pieces of bogus notes in denominations of $2, $10 and $50, to the tune of $3,970 between February and September last year. He did this in his Yishun home, by scanning genuine notes and printing copies on his colour printer.
He had also handed some fake notes to friends Jegathesan Subramaniam, 31, and Ramer Rethina Thevar Ramanathan. Both are odd-job workers.

Chilean Sanchez to join Barca for S$56.8m

The 22-year-old will sign a five-year contract after completing a medical on Monday, the statement added. -- PHOTO: AP

MADRID - BARCELONA have agreed to sign Udinese's Chilean forward Alexis Sanchez for 26 million euros (S$56.8 million) plus a possible 11.5 million euros in variables as the Spanish and European champions made their first addition to their squad for next season.
'Udinese and FC Barcelona have reached a final agreement for the transfer of Alexis Sanchez,' Barca said in a statement on their website on Thursday.
The 22-year-old will sign a five-year contract after completing a medical on Monday, the statement added.
The highly-rated Sanchez will compete for a place in Barca coach Pep Guardiola's starting 11 with World Player of the Year Lionel Messi and Spain forwards David Villa and Pedro.
His move to the Catalan capital is likely to trigger the departure of Spain Under-21 forward Bojan Krkic to Udinese's Serie A rivals AS Roma.
Sanchez started out as a youth recruit at Chilean club Cobreloa, where his goal-scoring exploits earned him the nickname 'wonder kid'. -- REUTERS

Man City's Mancini still sanguine about Tevez

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini considers Carlos Tevez an important member of his squad despite the Argentina striker's uncertain future with the club. -- PHOTO: AP

MARINA DEL REY (US) - MANCHESTER City manager Roberto Mancini considers Carlos Tevez an important member of his squad despite the Argentina striker's uncertain future with the club.
Tevez has expressed a desire to leave the English Premier League club after two seasons in order to be near his family in South America. He remains with Manchester City after an agreement on a move to Corinthians was unable to be worked out.
'At the moment, Carlos is still a City player,' Mancini said. 'In the future, we will see what can happen. For us, Carlos is an important player.' Mancini said he has yet to speak with Tevez but respects the captain's wish to play closer to his family. The Manchester City manager said the uncertainty isn't affecting the way he is preparing for the season.
'Carlos wants to leave for his family,' Mancini said. 'Only because of this the club accepts it. I think it's because we respect his reason.' Tevez appeared to be on his way to Corinthians until the proposed move fell through this week. The transfer would have reunited Tevez with his former club, but Corinthians said they needed more time to arrange a deal.
Tevez has been a stabilizing force up front in his time with City, scoring 43 goals in Premiership play over the past two campaigns. He had 20 goals last season in helping Manchester City qualify for the Champions League. While his departure would be a blow to Manchester City, the club is exploring avenues of improving its squad through the acquisition of multiple players, according to Mancini, who wouldn't mention specific names. -- AP

Tiger will cope without Williams, says O'Meara

Mark O'Meara says Tiger Woods has lost one of the best caddies around in Steve Williams but believes his close friend will cope without the New Zealander. -- PHOTO: AFP

WALTON ON THE HILL (England) - MARK O'Meara says Tiger Woods has lost one of the best caddies around in Steve Williams but believes his close friend will cope without the New Zealander.
O'Meara last communicated with Woods about three or four weeks ago by text and knew of the 14-time major winner's plans to split with Williams after 12 years.
O'Meara tells the Associated Press that 'they had a great run together as a team. Steve Williams is a loyal guy but Tiger is Tiger'.
Speaking on Thursday after the first round of the Senior British Open at Walton Heath in south England, the two-time major champion says 'for a caddie, there's not much better than Steve Williams. But as good as Tiger can play at times, he doesn't need a whole lot of help out there.' -- AP

Usain Bolt looking for wins not world records

Usain Bolt declared he will be happy to successfully defend both sprint titles and stay injury-free at the world championships, ruling out the prospect of lowering his 100-meter world record. -- PHOTO: REUTERS

MONACO - USAIN Bolt declared he will be happy to successfully defend both sprint titles and stay injury-free at the world championships, ruling out the prospect of lowering his 100-meter world record.
The Jamaican will take on European champion Christophe Lemaitre of France and teammates Nesta Carter and Michael Frater at the Diamond League meet in Monaco on Friday. It's his last 100 before the worlds open Aug 27 in Daegu, South Korea.
After being hampered by injuries last season, Bolt's season-best time of 9.91 seconds is well short of his world mark.
'I'm not where I want to be. It is getting better but it's a long way from 9.58, for sure,' Bolt told a news conference on Thursday. 'I don't think I'll be in that form this season. But I definitely need to get to 9.6, 9.7. I'm working hard, I'm trying to stay focused on the job I have and it's coming together.
'I'm working hard and I hope I can stay uninjured for the rest of the season. I don't think I've put in the work (needed to set records). I didn't have enough time because of my injuries. Not a lot of people are running 9.6, it's not an easy task.' Bolt ended his season last August because of back and Achilles' injuries after losing to Tyson Gay in Stockholm. He returned in May at Rome, running his fastest 100 of the year. But he is wary of pushing his body too hard, citing his American rival's absence from the worlds following a hip operation.
'People think you just go and run fast,' said Bolt, whose last race before the worlds will be in the 200 at Stockholm. 'But when you get injured it's very hard, as you can see with Tyson Gay, to come back from injuries. -- AP

Force India's Sutil suffers another setback

Adrian Sutil's preparations for the German Grand Prix and his efforts to keep his image in good repair suffered a setback on the eve of his home event. -- PHOTO: AFP

NURBURGRING (Germany) - ADRIAN Sutil's preparations for the German Grand Prix and his efforts to keep his image in good repair suffered a setback on the eve of his home event.
The 28-year-old Force India driver, who was involved in a nightclub brawl in Shanghai in April, was involved in an accident during a pre-race promotional event at the original 'Nordschleife' circuit at the Nurburgring on Wednesday.
Driving a Gumpert Apollo during a demonstration lap, he reportedly lost control of the car and ended up colliding with the track fencing, causing bodywork damage to the car - and, it was reported, breaking a couple of his front teeth.
But Sutil shrugged off the accident on Thursday.
'It was dramatic but it was just a mechanical incident,' said the German driver. 'Something happened to the car. I lost control a little and hit the barrier at about 10kmh.
'When I opened the newspapers, I laughed out loud. They said I lost all of my teeth.' -- AFP

Park expected to sign new deal with United

CHICAGO - MANCHESTER United manager Alex Ferguson says he expects South Korean midfielder Park Ji Sung to sign a contract extension that will keep him with the club for two more years.
Speaking at a news conference in Chicago, where United will face the Chicago Fire in a friendly at Soldier Field on Saturday, Ferguson says Park has been offered a new deal and is 'sure' Park will sign it. Ferguson says Park's career at United has been 'nothing but excellent'.
Park, who joined the club in July 2005, scored a goal in United's 7-0 exhibition rout of the Seattle Sounders on Wednesday. -- AP